A Thought or Two

Thursday, February 12, 2015

It's an interesting thing that the second you look at that pregnancy test and see two pink lines, every thought, chore, dream, errand, and action, changes. 
Your world isn't just "your world" anymore.
Your heart grows a size bigger and suddenly, without even realizing it, you're learning to think about someone other than yourself all the time.

It doesn't matter what store I walk into, I always end up in the baby section.
My routine seems to be the same everywhere I go.
Survey the baby gear wondering what else is necessary, feel for the softest blankets, picture a sweet baby playing with all the colorful toys, and ALWAYS end in the clothes section picturing my princess in every dreamy dress and pair of sparkly shoes.
I had no idea how girly I was until I started shopping for a little girl of my own.

It's funny, the circle of life is...
You go through phases, everyone does it.
Well, every girl does it.
Or at least me and my friends did it...
Anyhow, I remember being in middle school dreaming of dating the perfect guy in high school and him taking me to prom so I could get all dressed up in a pretty dress and maybe just maybe, he'd kiss me goodnight.
I got to high school and found someone that made my heart beat extra fast. 
He literally was that dream guy I had imagined in middle school.
I began to only want to watch mushy love movies and read all the Nicholas Sparks books. I craved slow music that told a story of a boy and a girl falling and staying in love.
I spent a majority of English class day dreaming of my wedding day and what the future held for Hunter and I.
He left on his mission and my world revolved around writing letters and making packages.
The thought of him coming home and finally being able to make our dream a reality consumed me.
When he came home, my mind looked like the perfect pinterest board of all things wedding.
We got married and I began feeling giddy over being a homemaker and creating a pretty home that we felt happy with calling ours. I took it upon myself to make a home cooked meal every night. My greatest accomplishment was making sure my football-playing husband's tummy was full.
Then one morning, I saw those two pink lines... and once again everything changed.
It didn't take long at all for me to spend countless hours looking for the best deals and reviews on strollers, diaper bags, clothes, car seats, bottles, and all things baby.
I probably drove Hunter nuts with the once a month breakdowns feeling inadequate to give this little girl everything she deserves in life.
I stayed awake at night planning out her nursery in my head and every moment I was awake I was making lists of things we needed to be ready.
My world had changed, because I became a mother.

I've always been pretty emotional.
I've also always hated crying in front of people.
It always makes me feel awkward and I don't like when people try to run to my rescue.
I even have a hard time crying in front of Hunter still.
So I tend to get that dry lump in my throat quite often as I try so hard to push the tears back.
But, something about motherhood changes your insides and suddenly you find a reason to cry over anything and everything.
Especially now that I'm at the very end of this pregnancy.

For example:

  • Father daughter dances. It doesn't matter which song or who is dancing, you can catch me in the corner crying my eyes out and trying so hard to wipe my tears before anyone sees.
  • Hearing her little heartbeat now compared to the first time. I remember that first appointment so well. It took a good 5 minutes to even find the heartbeat. Now, the second they put it on my belly I'm able to hear her happy, healthy heart beating away. At this last appointment I tried my hardest to hold back my tears when her heart started beating faster than usual after I said something to the nurse. She said "oh, she must know your voice!" and I just about lost it. She was excited. She was excited to meet us and join our family and that brought me all the happiness in the world.
  • I walk into her room every morning and just pause at her empty crib. I try to picture my little girl just waking up with sleepy eyes all snuggled with her animal friends. I'll sit in the rocking chair and imagine reading her a bedtime story. I always stop by her closet and match pretty dresses with her darling bows. I fold and re-fold her onesies and leggings and pay special attention to the difference in size between newborn and 6 months. And that, is when the tears start. She's not aloud to grow up. Ever. 
  • Any and every song that talks about a family really gets to me. I love my little growing family. I'm beyond excited for the three of us to do any and everything together.
I began feeling a little sad around week 36.
The reality set in of life being not just Hunter and I anymore.
I love our little one but I'll always cherish these memories of just the two of us, and I'm so grateful I've chosen my best friend to spend forever with.
I was listening to the song "Then" by Brad Paisley the other day.
It brought a flood of emotion and memories.
The first time I ever heard that song was on a bus ride over to a high school basketball game.
I was in my cheer uniform and Hunter was sitting behind me in his warm ups.
He tossed one head phone over the seat and that song was playing.
It made me cry back then, but it now has so much more meaning.
"And I can just see you, with a baby on the way..."
It truly is crazy to think about how far we have come.

And on that note, I think I've gotten everything in my mind typed out.
So I guess I'll stop here!
So I'll end by saying, I really really love this little life I'm living and I'm just getting more and more anxious to meet our little girl:)

All my love,
Aleigh Joy

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