I Have Worth

I have worth.

And you do too.

I'm really excited about this post.

I'm really excited about this shirt.

I'm also really excited to share this company with all of you!

Have you ever felt, down?

I bet you have.

It may have been because of something someone said to you, a mistake you made, a promise that was broken, a trial experienced, a lack of self confidence or even doubts in your head.

I think we've all been there at some point in time.

Eventually, these negative thoughts get the best of us and we say things to ourselves like, "I'm the worst" or "I wish I were more like (insert name here)."

I've said it, I've been there, I've done that.

I can recall feeling insecure more times than I can count in my lifetime.

I've always hated walking into a room and feeling like "everyone" is staring at me.

I've also wished I looked a little different a time or two, or ten.

I've wondered what my purpose is and I've doubted my self worth.

I think one of the lowest points in my life was when my PPD was the strongest.

I would lay awake at night wishing that somehow I could go back in time and feel like "myself" again.

I thought I couldn't do it, ya know, be a mother.

I thought my blog would go no where.

I thought there was no way I'd ever make the Varsity Cheer team.

I thought nobody would like me.

I also thought I never stood a chance with him.

Then he became my husband.

I made a change in my life as of recently.

One I haven't quite mastered, but that I am working on nonetheless.

I've decided to beat my doubts and fears with thoughts of self worth.

It sounds easier than it is.

It also sounds kind of like a "duh" thing to do, but I challenge you all to try it.

So what do I mean?

When you're having a negative thought about yourself, think of 5 extraordinary things about yourself.

No, you are not being conceited. You are recognizing your self worth.

A couple examples from my week:

-I went running and timed myself. I looked at my time and immediately told myself I'm just not a very good athlete. I quickly then told myself I'm a good chef, I am good at decorating, my husband loves me, I am successful, and I am a darn good mother.

-I went to the grocery store and Oaklyn was crying in the checkout line. I handed her a sucker and the older lady behind me said I shouldn't be giving her sugar at that age. I immediately doubted myself and the way I parent my child. (Insert 5 encouraging thoughts) I smiled at her, and went about my day.

Those are only two examples but sometimes they are bigger issues and other times they might even be smaller.

Either way, this has helped me tremendously in recognizing my self worth.

I have come to realize that I don't need to dress a certain way, make a certain amount of money, have specific talents, or be interested in what the crowd is.

I am me, and that is more than enough.

Don't let the world tell you when or how to feel good about yourself.

Try your hardest not to buy into the lies displayed by the media.

Don't judge yourself for looking different. Most magazine covers are photo shopped anyways.

I firmly believe that "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God..." 

We are all entitled to our Father’s blessings.

 He did not bring you to this earth to walk alone, without guidance.

 He knows our skills and celebrates in our victories with us.

He will also take our supposed inadequacies and help us turn them into strengths if we let Him.

Remember that you are worth much more to Him than you will ever know.

But all religion aside, trust me in saying that You Have Worth.

Far more worth than you might imagine.

You have potential, strengths, talents, and beauty.

Every single one of you.

This cute "I Have Worth" Tee is from CampLight Apparel and I am loving the meaning behind it.

Every purchase from CampLight Apparel helps feed malnourished children in Haiti.

So not only are you purchasing a shirt to help you remember and recognize your worth, but you are helping others in need.

I fully support this company and their mission.

Go ahead and check out their different designs Here!

You can also use the code: JOYOFLIFE at checkout for 15% off your purchase :)

And remember I am "personally" handing each of you the #myworthchallenge!

Let me know how it is going and use the hashtag #myworthchallenge on social media to post a picture of yourself telling everyone why you have worth so I can follow along! You can also comment down below! I'd love to hear about your experiences and celebrate in your triumphs with you :)

All my love,

Aleigh Joy

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This Body is Amazing

(photo by Erryn Kowallis Photography)

It was the day after I had Oaklyn...

I was standing in our hospital room's bathroom about to tie my gown back up after nursing my new little baby.

She was snoozing away in her daddy's arms.

She was content, he was smitten, and I was sore/exhausted.

Right before grabbing the tie I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

My eyes widened and my already cloudy mind panicked.

"Why do I still look pregnant? She's out of there. What is still in there?"

The nurse came in a few hours later.

"I'm here to check your swelling."

"Okay good, my ankles seem really puffy and my fingers are extra swollen."

The nurse touched my ankles and looked up at me "Yeah you are still really swollen. I'll be back to check on you tomorrow before you leave."

"Oh, that's it" I thought, "I'm just swollen, it will all go back to normal soon enough."

The next day I was getting dressed to go home.
I brought a sweatshirt and leggings.
Very, very, tight, pre-pregnancy leggings.
There was no way I was going home in those. Especially with that diaper I had to wear.
Thank goodness I had the stretchy pants I wore to the hospital.
The next few days I spent much time weeding through my closet trying to find clothes that weren't too small or too big because I wasn't the size before pregnancy or during pregnancy.

Thanks to nursing, constantly being on the move with a baby that loved being rocked, and a fussy newborn that didn't like when I left her to go eat... I started to shrink rather quickly.

I was back in most of my pre pregnancy clothes with the exception of some pairs of jeans, in a few weeks.

But the loose skin, the stretch marks I didn't know existed, and the lost muscle definition haunted me every time I saw my reflection.

I know every new mother thinks it. Of course, some more often than others...

"I miss my body before kids."

I was more limber, I was stronger, my skin was tighter, you could see my abs poking through, and I felt comfortable in my own skin.

What happened?

I'll tell you what happened...

Something amazing happened.

I grew a child in my own body for 9 months and 5 days.

I stretched and often ached but I did that.

My body did that.

I gave birth to a child.

I'll spare you the details, but that's no walk in the park.

I gave Oaklyn life.

My body gave Oaklyn life.

I have fed her for almost 7 months.

I have nourished and helped her grow.

My body has supplied her with food, it knew how to give her food.

I have rocked her and held her til my arms feel weak but she has been comforted during the fussiest times by being held close next to me.

My body pushed through the longest nights to help calm a little baby that was hurting, hungry, and had her days and nights mixed up.

When my mind told me I couldn't, my body kept going.

My body has recovered from the most amazing miracle and excruciating pain any human will know, because it is amazing.

It's hard to see the changes made and it's hard to work towards what I want to become.

I'm aloud to have a few thoughts, on occasion, of disappointment.

I wouldn't be human if I didn't.

But, it is also so important to remember that this body has been through much sacrifice to bring forth the miracle of life.

And that is the most important thing this body will do.

I will still continue to search youtube to find that miracle workout to get rid of that darn pooch... but I will also strive to remember, and I hope that you mothers will too, that these bodies of ours sure have done some incredible things.
Give yourself a little more credit because, your body is amazing.

All my love,

Aleigh Joy

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I Can Do Hard Things.

A 5 day old Oaklyn and me as a brand new mommy

(This post was incredibly hard for me to write. My pride hates admitting my faults and weaknesses. After being inspired by other moms and mostly Gina Davis over at babybluemom.com I figured it was time to speak up and let other moms know they're not alone.) 

When the idea of getting pregnant came up, I was on board.

 Terrified, but on board. 

I couldn't wait to start a family with my high school sweetheart.

When I looked at that positive pregnancy test I was giddy, terrified, but definitely giddy. 

When I told hunter the news I cried. Out of excitement, joy, and fear. 

Every time I got nervous, Hunter assured me everything would be just fine, and I believed him.

 I knew we could do it, I was positive.

 My pregnancy was great. 

It was mostly easy and healthy.

I created a dreamy nursery, was thrown beautiful showers, had support from family and friends, and felt ready for her arrival. 

This baby was planned for, hoped for, and prayed for. 

Fast forward nine months and 5 days.

 We're standing in our home for the last time as a family of two. 

I had just labored at home for about 18 hours.

As excited as I was to meet Oaklyn, I couldn't help but feel so sad that our little life together was about to get turned upside down. 

And our little routine together was about to be completely gone. Forever. 

Maybe that sounds dramatic, but having a baby changes everything and a little piece of me kept thinking I just wasn't ready for those changes. 

Now we're in the delivery room. 

The nurse had just told me they were finally admitting me.

I was ecstatic that I would be getting an epidural to get the pain under control.

Then I looked at my husband. I started sobbing. But, I couldn't admit to him that it was because I was wishing we could go back in time...

To our wedding day, to yesterday, to any day but today.

Now, I'm pushing with all my might and suddenly I hear her cry.

 The doctor holds her up, I take one look and just lose it. 

She's here! Our dream came true. 

I looked at Hunter. He was giddy. 

Completely giddy. 

He was mesmerized and in that moment my heart grew three times bigger. 

Then, reality set in.

The first night in the hospital was and still is mostly a blur. 

A blur filled with cluster feeding and trying really hard to remember what the lactation consultant told me. 

Everything was sore. Everything hurt. And, my baby kept crying. 

Hunter was asleep on the extra bed. 

Every time I looked at him I cried. 

I wanted so badly to just jump in that bed with him and forget my new motherly duties.

 I was scared, but too proud to show it. 

I bottled everything I was feeling up and pretended like I was perfectly fine. 

The moments no one was looking, I burst into tears for no real reason. 

I didn't feel, or look like myself.

 I just wanted to go back in time. 

These first moments were supposed to be some of the greatest, why were they feeling like a bad dream?

I pushed myself to try harder, to do better.

But, that seemed to just make it worse.

Before leaving the hospital I was required to watch a few videos.

The topics varied from nursing to eating well.

The last one was on postpartum depression. 

I had the video playing, but ignored it.

"That's not me... that can't be me. I wanted this baby, I love this baby."

The video continued...

"Wait, I'm experiencing a lot of what they're talking about... no that's not me."

We got home from the hospital and I tried my best to hide my constant tears.

My mom came into town that night, thank goodness my mom came into town.

She kept asking me how I was feeling.

She kept telling me I was doing a good job.

She kept reassuring me that it does get better.

She held Oaklyn and let me sleep when I needed it. (even though I couldn't sleep even when given the opportunity)

She took me to Target a countless amount of times.

She made dinners and did the laundry.

And then it came time for her to leave.

The night before she left I lost it.

I burst into tears out of no where and I saw the fear in Hunter's eyes.

"I love her but sometimes I don't want her. I'm exhausted but I can't sleep. This whole motherly thing is not coming as easy as it should. I don't feel like myself. I'm anxious all the time. Why is this happening to me?? Help!"

My mom was able to delay her flight so that I wouldn't have to be alone until Hunter's mom came in town. 

We made an appointment with my OB, and I felt some of the tension leave.

I remember sitting on the table at my OB's office.

"Why am I here? I don't want to be here."

I remember my mom telling me to tell them everything.

Not to hide anything.

So, I did just that.

I had tears rolling down my cheeks, yet just getting it all out made me feel a little better.

When I finished he told me what I was experiencing was normal.

He calmed me down and made me feel like less of a crazy person.

I left that visit feeling uplifted and inspired.

"It will get better." I thought. "I know it will get better."

That week went smoother.

I felt like more of myself, but not all of myself.

"It'll come. It may take time, but I will be back to normal."

Then it came time for Hunter's parents to leave.

I suddenly felt incredibly alone again.

My fears and anxieties crept up again.

"How am I supposed to shower now? How am I going to get the laundry done and make dinner? How am I going to sleep? How am I going to eat??"

I had heard many babies cry in my lifetime.

It never really bothered me.

For some reason, Oaklyn's cry might as well have been nails on a chalkboard.

Every time I heard her cry I cried too.

Which was pretty much all day long.

Our days and nights felt like a full circle and went something like this:

Wake up about every 2 hours throughout the night trying to nurse. (Three weeks in I found out nursing was not in the cards for me so I then fed Oaklyn a bottle and then would pump in the middle of the night. It was quite the process), Lay there awake for an hour until my mind finally shuts down. Wake up for good around 7. Try to nurse Oaklyn. Get covered in milk because she could not latch for the life of her. Hear her scream because she's still hungry. Sit and pump while she is still screaming. Feed her a bottle. Hear her scream as I try to get her burps out. She falls asleep on my chest. I'm starving. Maybe she'll let me put her down for a second. She wakes up and screams. I run to grab a granola bar. I eat it as fast as I can. I pick her up and rock her. She falls asleep. I sit down. She wakes up and screams. Rinse. Repeat.

I'm a busy body. 

I love to go and do anything. 

But going and doing anything with my baby was harder than I thought it would be. 

If she cried in a public place my stomach would drop and I felt defeated.  

Just getting out the door was the real chore. 

It just didn't seem worth it. Yet I was going stir crazy staying inside all day long with a crying baby. 

I sat there crying and wondering why no one had told me the truth so many times.

"If only someone would have told me I'd be bleeding for six weeks after. If only someone told me that I'm not a failure for not being able to breastfeed. If only someone told me that it's hard. That The first few weeks are nothing but filling constant demands from a needy baby. Or maybe I'm the only one that feels this way... Maybe I'm the crazy one."

I was embarrassed for feeling this way and hardly spoke about it except to my dear husband that helped me so much. 

Thank goodness I had him. 

He taught me to rely on The Lord during the hardest days. 

It slowly got better and I was able to put her down for a little longer each week.

I spent the majority of my days praying that I would be able to figure this out. That I would be able to figure Oaklyn out. 

My fears and anxieties slowly eased as I gained some confidence each time I accomplished a small task during the day.

I was lonely. So lonely.

It felt like the world around me was going 100 miles an hour but my world was at a stand still.

Some days were definitely worse than others, but a few days I woke up recharged refreshed, and confident.

Those were the best days, those were the days I felt my old self coming back. 

My love for Oaklyn grew as she grew.

One day I woke up to her squirming.

I fed her, changed her, and went to get her dressed.

I began talking to her and telling her we were going to have a good day together.

I noticed a difference in my tone of voice. 

I noticed my body language was different too. 

I looked down at the changing table to see my pretty baby staring straight into my eyes.

I smiled at her, and she smiled back.

I immediately cried.

Only this time, it was out of happiness.

"I love her. I can do this. I know I can do this."

That day changed a lot for me, every day from there on out seemed to get better.

And, it continues to get better.

We have "those days" still.

I still get lonely and feel intimidated by the never ending responsibilities motherhood brings.

But, it's so worth it to me.

I love my little girl.

Each new trick she learns brings me so much joy.

Her smiles never get old.

I love her, and I'm so grateful for her.

I don't know why this trial chose me.

I remember feeling, and still often feel, jealous of the moms that have no trouble bonding right from the beginning and adjusting to motherhood.

I often wish I could go back to those first few days with my brand new baby with the knowledge I now have, that it truly does get better.  

But for now, I'm trying to share what I've learned with others that have gone through the same thing or currently are going through it. 

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

It feels like it is, but it's not.

You will get through it whether you have PPD, PPA, baby blues, or are just having a really hard time adjusting to motherhood.

It's also incredibly common. So if you feel alone, you're not. 

My husband gave me the best advice after one of my longest days...

"Pray to Heavenly Father and tell him that you have accepted this trial he has placed in your way. Ask him to help you learn from it, and to overcome it. If you just sit there and dwell in it, it'll never get better. He wants to help you."

He did help me. 

I can honestly say now that even though the times I just spoke of were easily the darkest days of my life, I am beyond grateful that I have been given the opportunity to be a mother. 

I love my little Oaklyn. 

I love being her mama. 

She is my greatest blessing. 

All my love,

Aleigh Joy

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