When Nothing Else Makes Sense

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

I haven't quite been able to pinpoint my recent thoughts and feelings and adequately put them into words, but I feel like it's time to at least get something out. So, here's a little bit about how our family's world was recently rocked...
 It was a Saturday morning and I was fast asleep after being up all night. Hunter was on a camping trip and all sorts of anxiety kicks in keeping me awake when he isn't home. I can't recall what I was dreaming about when my sister in law came frantically running through my door, but what she had said made me think I was still dreaming... no wait, I thought I was having a nightmare. It was 9:55am on July 30th when I felt her tear hit my arm as we held each other close and I realized it was in fact a reality. A really horrible, devastating, unfair, unexpected, and surreal reality.  "I guess he was running and then just collapsed" I heard her say. "Right as I was headed out the door for brunch I read the text saying that dad died." We were sobbing in each other's arms and before we could even process the news we had just heard, our phones began to ring. It was other family members all as hysterical as we were. There was one common goal, get to San Diego as fast as possible. We were bawling and packing and praying and wondering how any of this could even be real. We managed to have the car packed and ready to go around 11:30 and thinking about meeting up with my sweet heartbroken husband devastated me. He had been at a campout with the young men in our church and getting the news to him, was quite difficult. I strongly remember silently praying the shortest and most sincere prayer I have ever uttered that I would somehow be able to comfort my sister in law and my husband during our unplanned car ride back home, amidst the gut wrenching feeling even I had. That 10 hour trip was something I'll never forget even though I was slapping my face to try to even stay awake. At times we were laughing about memories we had made with him and the next moment I could hear sniffles and saw tears streaming down cheeks. My own eyes were constantly welling with tears and the road was blurry almost the whole way. We were anxious to be with family but also dreading all that we were about to go through. It absolutely didn't make sense, any of it, and the rest of that week was the biggest blur. There were flowers and cards filling the kitchen, friends stopping by to offer support and comfort, funeral plans were arranged, finances were discussed, and there were tear stained cheeks everywhere you turned. 

I can hands down say, that Pat passing away has been the absolute hardest trial of any of our lives... and I cannot stand to believe that it's only beginning. It's been a month as of last Saturday, yet that time has felt like a lifetime. Sometimes, it doesn't feel real. Then again, this is the most real pain I have ever felt. I've gone through a variety of emotions these past few weeks and I'm sure the rest of the Moore family has as well. I've felt sad beyond comparison, then I'll remember a happy memory and smile through the heartache. I'll be listening to a song that brings me joy which quickly turns to tears. I've felt encouragement that we can do this incredibly hard thing, and then a blanket of fear takes over my mind. I've luckily felt a glimpse of peace knowing that our Father in Heaven has a wonderful plan and yet the next moment, I'll feel anger that we were robbed of what could have been.

It may seem odd to some people that I'm so upset over my father in law passing, especially because of all the jokes that in laws are hard, but I won the lottery in this department and loved him like a second father. So, to give you some background, here's a glimpse of the kind of man Pat was. He was humble and teachable yet always seemed to know the answer. He was kind and loving, yet tough when he needed to be. He was athletic and ate well, yet knew life was short so he enjoyed a treat or two. He got excited over his new "toys" but never bragged or let his "things" be the center of his life. His prized possessions were his family, faith, and country and he could talk your ear off about all three if you let him. He made the world's best cookies and really enjoyed a movie night if we were watching Sweet Home Alabama, A Cinderella Story, or Galaxy Quest. He has an incredible testimony of the restored gospel and served in his church callings diligently. He managed to care about and help everyone that came into his life in some shape or form. He also made sure all of his good deeds went unnoticed as he never sought praise. Pat accomplished more before 9am everyday than anyone I've ever known, and finished all the Lord needed of him on this earth in only 57 years.

It's safe to say that none of this makes sense to me. Not any part of it. I've gone through several scenarios in my head just trying to understand how this could happen to us, or better yet, why this happened to us. You know that line in the song "If I Die Young" that goes, "funny when you're dead how people start listening?" I think that was written for Pat. His teachings, even though he isn't physically here on earth, are still being taught. I know that his legacy will live on and his short life with bless others, but it just doesn't seem fair to us. I know the Lord needs him but it's hard not to feel like we need him more. As I was thinking about my sweet mother in law and recognizing her strength through this incredibly difficult trial, I realized the only thing keeping her going, is her testimony. The same goes for the rest of the family. Without it, I'm positive this would be a million times harder. Even though nothing else seems to make sense to me, at least my testimony of Heavenly Father's plan  does. I know we will see Pat again. In fact, I'm positive he's preparing to show us all around and can't wait for us to be there with him. The veil between our earthly home and our heavenly home has been incredibly thin these past few weeks as I've pondered the concept of life and death.

 I know what the plan is for all of us and I truly believe in it, but I'll admit I have wondered how "The Plan of Happiness" could be anything but happy for us right now. It's taken a month of deep thought and prayer to come to understand that His plan is so much more than what happens on this earth and what we can comprehend. True and complete happiness, the kind where families can be together forever, where children don't ever go hungry, where slavery doesn't exist, where goodbyes aren’t necessary, where bodies don’t age, get injured, bleed, or die, and where "bad news" is never said, can only exist in a greater place. This is the happiness we’re being shaped for while being tested and tried on this earth. It’s the happiness that will be ours, without end, once we make it through our time on a fallen world that promises opposition daily. It’s the joy that will be our rest once we work hard and have done all we were meant to do in mortality. His plan of happiness, is happiness, and that will bring hope and faith to our hearts during this life when nothing else seems to make sense. 

I've began to think a little deeper about the blessings we all crave. You know, to pay the bills without worry each month, to take away the physical and emotional pain our loved ones experience, to see those struggling with infertility finally have children, and to be reunited with the loved ones taken from us too soon... These blessings that seem to never come make so many of us wonder, “How is this really in a plan of happiness?” And that’s when we need to be reminded that if we lived a life free of opposition and trouble, we truly would never know the complete joy waiting for us, and we’d never have a need for Him. After all, happiness isn’t a lack of misery, it’s knowing the feeling of misery and then living eternally in a place where that is overcome.
Every so often, we are blessed with a little reminder of a broader, more eternal plan. A plan that we can't quite understand because the concept of eternity is not one our minds can quite grasp in our mortal state. But, there’s a beauty in knowing that our eternal value is far greater than any feeling we'll ever experience during our time away from home and that a seat is being saved for us by our loved ones we dearly miss. 

It's hard, honestly, to not feel discouraged when hardship falls upon us. It's scary to think of the rest of our lives without a spouse, parent, child, sibling, friend, or grandparent. I'm sure several of you are nodding your head because you have been through the same sorrow, though a different gravestone. It's easy to question and wonder how this could really be a perfect plan when it feels far from it while going through the trials we once agreed to enduring. But, let us always remember that the Lord has felt every pain we will ever feel and wants us to need Him. He agreed to the plan just as we did, and though it's everything but easy currently, it will lead to pure and eternal joy.

Pat, we'll miss you every day until His great plan is fulfilled. Thank you for uplifting us, teaching us, helping us, and guiding us. Thank you for being the perfect role model for my husband. I can't wait to teach my kids all about you and I must admit, I'm a little jealous you get to meet them before me ;) "Our ultimate goal is to live together forever in the presence of The Lord, Forever Moore."

If you'd like to see the beautiful memorial video made for Pat by my sister in law Michelle, click here.

And lastly, thank you to everyone who has supported our family in the form of words, prayers, meals, cards, hugs, texts, phone calls, monetary donations, and just being there... We appreciate it far more than we'll ever be able to say. 

All my love,
Aleigh Joy

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